Torn
by Liebling
Summary: ’I was torn most of the time. And I’d like to tell you I wasn’t.’ { Rudolphus&Bellatrix } angsty.


**Author's Notice: **Bellatrix/Rudolphus . I am so confused about the whole Black family tree and all that jazz. Bellatrix's POV. So yeah. This fic is contradicting (as I believe feelings are) and...yeah. Just check it out, enjoy it, think about it, whatever.  
  
**Disclaimer: **None of it's mine =P  
  
_"Love is ... running into his arms, colliding with his heart, and exploding into his soul."_  
  
  
~  
  
I'd like to tell you that nothing ever happened to us.  
  
I'd like to tell you that we never changed, never grew old, never became the people we hated.  
  
I'd like to tell you that I hated Rudolphus and that his charm just about killed me every second of every day.  
  
And I'd also like to tell you, a story.  
  
Rudolphus died, you know. And I haven't been the same since.  
  
~  
  
_All life is about is breathing._  
  
~  
  
I had a strange childhood. I guess. I did grow up with Sirius Black after all. Our family, the Black family, was a very twisted thing filled with skeletons in the closets. Let's just say that.  
  
We did, however, have fine china. It was very pretty and we ate off of it every single Monday, because Mother said Monday's were awful and the china made them better.  
  
I remember Sirius Black the most. And now I can't remember him anymore.  
  
~  
  
I met Rudolphus when I was eleven. Eleven! How silly! I think I liked being eleven, I think I did. Mum used to say that eleven was when you started being friends with boys and stopped being friends with your doll.   
  
Really, boys were the only ones I got along with. And not well at that, either. I wasn't pretty then, I was just Bella. The girls hated me, I hung with Narcissa sometimes. She wasn't a very nice girl, either. I suppose the strangest times to be around boys are during war times. That's all they talked about. Girls, and war. And war the most. I told Rudolphus he better not go off and fight in any stupid war...  
  
...he looked at me and said, 'It'd be the best way to die, wouldn't it?'  
  
Rudolphus didn't understand anything.  
  
~  
  
People always ask what makes you fall in love with someone and when does all of that happen. But how can you answer that? Because how many men did Voldemort kill and how much vodka did Sirius Black drink? And how many colors make up the sky....  
  
And so, what I have to say to that, I guess, is that Rudolphus was always there. He was always there. So I was always in love with him. Though I wouldn't choose that word myself. Love. It seems to imply something that our relationship lacked.  
  
I'd like to tell you it didn't lack anything.  
  
~  
  
There was goodness in Rudolphus that I saw and I adored.  
  
You could also see goodness in Voldemort if you looked about it in that way.  
  
So go figure.  
  
Rudolphus was a very charming person, you know. He had a charm about him that few can duplicate and it started with the wink. And the wink killed me, and it killed me every single time.  
  
He would always tell me, 'you haven't got the charm even if you've got the looks.' And I laughed. Because looks were never my strong suit either. But Rudolphus always said they were, and he said that life was about being beautiful.  
  
And the flaw? In our relationship...I couldn't say: 'I love you.' And Rudolphus couldn't make me.  
  
~  
  
There are three points in life. There is the point when all you do is love yourself, when you half love yourself (added with half hating yourself), and the point when all you do is love your husband.  
  
And he was my husband.  
  
And I was torn.  
  
I was torn between him, I was torn between me, I was torn between Voldemort, I was torn between my family, I was torn between the sky, torn between my God, and I was torn between extreme hate for Rudolphus and extreme love for him.  
  
I could not love Rudolphus the way he deserved. In fact, I could not love Rudolphus in any way.  
  
I was torn most of the time.  
  
And I'd like to tell you I wasn't.  
  
~  
  
I made a lot of mistakes. He made a lot of mistakes.   
  
It seems like our lives were just about making a bunch of mistakes over and over again. We were silly children; we were mature adults.  
  
I lost my best friend when Rudolphus died.  
  
But I'm not torn anymore.   
  
~  
  
End


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